It makes me reflect. My relationship with my mom wasn’t always smooth, connected, and enjoyable. Actually for a while it was hard, painful and made me feel very sad and alone.
Mother/daughter relationship is one of our most important one, if not the most. In our early years there are a lot of needs that only our mom can take care of (or that’s the way we live it) and as we grow our relationship with our mom is always a mirror for our development and grow as we evolve into young women.
My life began a little bit rough. My father’s died when I was very young. My mom had to go back to work (that she has temporarily left to be more at home with me and my younger brother), and do her best to raise the two young kids alone. There were many things my mother did in a way I couldn’t understand and that caused me lots of suffering, and for years I blamed and resented her. I felt really miserable and isolated.
I always trusted that in suffering there is a lesson we need to learn. Here is mine:
At some point my level of sadness and unhappiness was unbearable, my soul felt constricted and I felt unworthy and unlovable. I knew that despite the situations in my early life I had to find a way to happiness. I embarked in the journey.
Fast forward many years, after some work in psychotherapy I met life coaching. My coach led me in a deep research of every area of my life, the ones that I wanted to work on and brought me to explore coaching, and the others I wasn’t planning to deal with. The philosophy behind this was that we can author our life and live it at its best by dealing with each area. So it came the time to deal with my relationship with mom.
In a way I’ve always felt a victim of unfair treatment, of selfish decisions, negligence and lack of love. I have plenty of stories that I’ll talk about in my biography (oh, here she’s again, the victim voice!). It was through coaching that I was able to see:
1- Where I had been identifying with a victim role, blaming and condemning my mom.
2- Define the relationship that I would like to have with her.
3- Understand the steps I had to do to get to that relationship, and take them!
4- Have the difficult conversations that will pave a smooth communication, understanding and compassion, I eventually what I really needed to hear, that she loves me.
One of the key things in all this deep process was my ability to get out of my shoes and get into hers. Once I saw her story, her relationship with her parents, with my father, her expectations and dreams, her circumstances, her pain, her desperation, her humanity I was able to understand that everything she did was her best within her circumstances, far from perfect, not what I needed, but her best. At that point I experienced a very humble opening in my heart and understood the meaning of “compassion”. It was through compassion that I was able to forgive, let go of the past, and embrace the possibilities of a better, healthier and more connected relationship.
One of my first difficult conversations was to sincerely ask forgiveness for so much judgment and resentment. That was a very moving night. We ended up both crying, something my mom had been very resistant to, but that conversation was very powerful as it melted walls of ice between us. From that point on, I’ve been practicing sharing more of what I need and what I feel, and being more loving for my mom. I was able to get into a new role, more receptive, allowing space for my mom to show up and love me the way she can, and allowing to be ‘taken care of’. I found myself surprised having very deep ‘woman’ conversations, something I had believed that will never be possible.
Today, I’m grateful that I have my mom, that I have been able to bring healing to our relationship and that we get to enjoy our bond. We connect, we talk, we laugh, we cry and we say how much we love each other. She’s become a much closer, supportive angel in my life. Through my personal work and growth I came to understand she’s a guide, an ‘angel’ as I call her.
I’m also beyond grateful to my coach who taught me to tackle one area at a time, redesign, have those difficult conversations and hold me accountable to do the work.
Today I celebrate my Mother.
How are things for you? Are there any relationships in your life you need to bring healing into? Curious if coaching can help you? I would love to help. Please check fernandalodeiro.com and schedule a free session with me.
May you fully enjoy your relationships, may you always be able to bring healing to those that matter the most to you.